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Red Clouds

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[15 Jun 2005|01:40am]

i just wanted to say i have not cut for about eight months now! ^-^
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[15 Mar 2005|10:00pm]


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[25 Feb 2005|03:26am]

Oy... This is the first time I have ever consciously wanted to cut... I look in the mirror, and I just want to see blood dripping down my face again... I want to feel it running down my chin, or down my shoulder and arm... But I can't today... I have a scholarship audition... I can't be all cut up for the judges... That might be bad...
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Never wke up again... [23 Jan 2005|05:28pm]

What if I didn't have to worry about waking up as someone else anymore? I could just sleep forever... It would be so easy... Never to have to worry about hurting those I love... And yet, even to take this insurance, would ulitmately hurt those who love me... I should never have been born.
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The story of Jack and Marta (x-posted from Schizofriends) [16 Jan 2005|11:44pm]

I have struggled with mental health issues for a few years now... And I'm not sure if it might be Schizophrenia or merely psychological. See, I've been getting progressively worse. It started off as a feeling of extreme violence that would come and go... Mind you, I rarely acted on it, but I always had a hell of a time fighting it off. It went away for a while... And I met a man named Jack Simpson online. We became friends, as we had a lot in common... Then one night, I watched him slit his wrists on webcam... He was back on in a few weeks... It was at that point that I realized something wasn't right with him... I typed in his screen name in the login window and completely guessed a password, and it logged me on as him... "He" left me an offline message saying he was coming to kill me... I didn't hear from him for a few months... Then one day, I heard a voice... Telling me to hurt people, to kill them, that they were unworthy swine wraught with utter imperfection... This was the view I used to have as a child...

Perhaps I should explain this... When I was younger, I hated humanity with a passion. I resolved to become unhuman through extreme physical exersion and trying to dispose of any and all human emotions... But I couldn't, there was a single resounding emotion: absolute and utter abhorence for myself for all the human imperfections I saw in myself. But one day, I just couldn't hate anymore... I wanted to... I tried to... But I couldn't... And about a year later, that's when the first episode of the violent feeling hit.

Now, back to the now. I asked who the hell the voice was coming from. It responded, "Why, Matthew! How could you forget me? My name is Jack, but I suppose you know well enough to know who I really am, eh?" Then, one day, I blacked out and woke up trying to carve my face off... In the introspectic meditations and probings of my own subconscious, I found that the culprit was an egotheist known only as Marta. He believed he was a God, being traped inside a rotting, stinking human carcass, so naturally, he was trying to escape... I only ran into him about four times before I learned how to predict and prevent his onslaughts, so only a few more times did he manage to get lose. Now, all the while, Jack would pay me visits, yelling at me, calling me worthless and weak, and urging me that his views were my own, because he was me... And he always chose the most inappropriate times... In the middle of school, at a football game while we were playing (band, not team)... Anyway... For a while, in the past few months, both had been completely absent from my mind, even at the subconscious level. But recently, Jack had come back. He's not caused a real episode... But he does whisper, and I can see a face when I concentrate now... It's vague, but I can see it... But at any rate... That's my story.
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They're back... [16 Jan 2005|11:03pm]

All right, so Jack has made a glorious return... He's not yet caused anything majour, but I can hear him whispering every now and then... But something has changed... I can see his face now... He has materialized even more than he had when he was only a voice... It's not right... He shouldn't be here still... He's supposed to be gone! And what happens when he does try to take over now?? Will I black out again? Will I be lost to his whims? ...What if Marta comes back too? This is not what I need right now...
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Goodbye.. [11 Jan 2005|05:19pm]

I'm leaving a few of the communities i'm in, hope you guys dont mind.


have fun without me!

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Bleeding for honour [06 Jan 2005|11:41pm]

[ mood | bouncy ]

Hello, my name is Matthew. I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. I've been cutting for about nine months now, I think... I don't know exactly what is meant by "triggering material," much less how to use lj cuts, so I'll refrain from treading on any thin ice... But one thing I will explain, I started cutting originally because I would black out, and an alter-ego would take over and try to free himself from what he considers to be a weak, rotting cacass, by carving his way out. He doesn't much care for humanity. However, I now bruise, cut, and/or burn (depending on severity) consciously as penance for sins and other infractions of my code of honour. On the good news side of things though, I've not heard the voice or blacked out for months.

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:) [06 Jan 2005|11:43am]

Promo crazy!

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promo [01 Jan 2005|09:56pm]

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I just joined...yesterday [30 Dec 2004|12:22am]

Um...well, my name is Christy. I've been involved w/ si for...well. almost all my life. I dunno. It's just a part of who I am. I've been hospitalized. I've done most all forms of si. Part of me wants to stop. Finally be free but there is no freedom. I'm a prisoner, a slave to this thing that has become so a permaent part of me.
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Hi [28 Dec 2004|10:55pm]

[ mood | pensive ]

Howdy. Most know me as Lady Mushroom. I have been cutting since (hope I got the right spelling) 5th grade... I think that makes it 5 years. There are only three people who know I cut and I needed someone else to talk to about it... if that makes sense (that word again...) Welp... not sure what else to say.
~Lady Mushroom

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[27 Dec 2004|10:28pm]

[ mood | sick ]

Hey there..the mod replied to a post I made and I decided to join this lovely community.

A little about me -

Well, my name's Samantha, I'm 16 and I've been cutting for almost 4 years now. I've been dealing with so many problems concerning my looks and my self-esteem is in the negatives. My home life is the farthest from normal, I work too much and too hard, I over-do everything on account of my need to be perfect and my OCD. Anyways, I really hope I havn't bored you too much!

I want to bring a lot of support and advice to this community because all of you deserve the world and nothing less



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MeRRy ChRiSTmAs!!! [25 Dec 2004|04:29pm]

[ mood | full ]

i just wanted to wish everyone a merry christmas and stuff. i just got done eating dinner, yes in front of both my parents. it wasnt fun but i had to do it. oh well. i'm doin really good tho. i havent cut in 9 days, and it may not seem like much but its alot to me. i made a promise to my friend that i would try to at least make it until after i see my counselor so that way if i dont have any cuts she has no right to bust me, so im gunna try my hardest to make it. i dunno tho. it gets harder everyday. but yea starting tomorrow im putting myself back on total damage control. no food, no sugar, nothing but water for me for at least 3 days then i can have orange juice and coffee and stuff like that. i just finished writing down all my measurements. when we get back to school monday, i'll prolly check them out again and then rewrite the ones for today next to the ones for that following friday in the journal so everyone can see my progress. well im out. ttyall lata.

p.s. Merry Christmas ....again <3

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The New One. [24 Dec 2004|10:41pm]

[ mood | content ]

So. The mod knows me from other communities.
My name is Emily. I'm 14. And I've been cutting for about a year now. Mostly on my arms. But my ankles have been getting more attention aswell. I cover all the ones on my arms. Mostly wristbands or long sleeves. And I dont wear all that many skirts bare legged, so.. ya know. Its pretty much my burden and those who I choose to tell.

I guess I do it to escape myself. To escape... my mind.

I know I should stop, but I'm not that strong.


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Welcome to my si/ed forum [24 Dec 2004|12:12am]

my name is ashley and i have been SIing for over a year and anorexic and bulimic for 5 years. i made this forum for those of you who may have one, both, or other problems to know that you are not alone. feel free to talk about whatever you want. rant, rave, give advice, ask for advice. i ask however that u do not give advice unless it is asked for. if u want to put triggering content on the forum, please use an lj cut. enjoy the forum and feel free to e-mail me if u have any questions at BLondeyQT@AOL.com my lj username is frozensenseless.
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